Friday, April 23, 2010

Parking Lot Happy Thoughts

I skipped class today. It was the first time all semester that I didn't go because I didn't want to go, the first time I let my reckless, irrational self overrule my spineless, guilty (yet responsible) self. Remorseless. I don't know whether that's because this illness has robbed me of my moral compass, or whether this is a sign of some small triumph. I hope it's the latter. With all my soul I hope I'm not losing my way. the thing that scares me the most about my current condition is the possibility of interference- it's already messed with with my head. What if I become so messed up that I can't feel the Spirit anymore? But maybe that's just my poor damaged brain talking.

It feels good to turn my future over to someone else, to not have to make decisions that could impact me so negatively. I saw a school counselor today (Lou took me. I would have bolted if she hadn't pinned me to my chair). Nancy was very kind and understanding. She helped me sort out this semester and with a few swift mouse clicks, set the rest of my life in motion. As silly as it is, this one little thing, this moment wherein I let someone else take care of me entirely made me feel so much better about the path I've chosen. I still have this suffocating weight squeezing the life out of my chest, but something about me is now fixed, set in stone, solidified. That one small measure of calm is like an anchor. It steadies me. I feel like this long winter can finally end, like I can return to the summer of my life. The sun is warming the earth and the Lord is brightening my future.

This isn't a magical end-all answer. I still have so much to do, even before the end of the semester. I haven't been cured, by any stretch of the imagination. But now I know that it's possible to take one small step. I have been led into a brighter patch of the world, one that leads to a bit that is brighter still, and from there things will be alright.

I don't spend much time being sad. I think that's part of my problem. I can't deny this emotion any more than I can stop myself from being happy. One of my other fears, though, is getting stuck in the sadness.

The parking lot has emptied around me.

A beblossomed breeze whispers in through my open window.

My new cardigan smells deliciously like Kohl's.

I think I'll go home and open a can of peaches, maybe have a bit of toast.


Recorded 4/19/10

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