Friday, April 23, 2010

Ready, Set...

I went to see some kind of therapist today (not sure whether he is a psychologist or psychiatrist or what the difference is), and I don't know why I didn't do it sooner. It didn't take him thirty minutes to diagnose and put together a rough treatment plan for me. Turns out that when you let anxiety issues go unchecked, they can develop into severe panic disorder, general anxiety disorder, and mild depression (adjustment? Adjusting? Something like that). So that's the official word.

As hard as it was to walk into that office, fill out that paperwork, and actually see the man (I'm sorry, his name escapes me and my toes are too cold to come out of hiding, so I can't super sleuth and figure it out), I feel better now. Better, even, than I felt after my visit with Nancy. The thing is, all this time I've been battling some huge, imaginary creature that existed only in my mind and my most terrifying moments. But now this thing has a name (or three). It's a reality, a thing, an object, a conquerable and visible foe. And now I have a professional on my side who can help equip me with everything I need to keep my sanity in check.

I set up the next four appointments (all the way through May), I signed a fee waiver form, and things on this end seem to be looking up. I just really, really, REALLY want to get better. This was the first step in the right direction that I think I've taken in a long time.

On that happy note, I kind of wanted to DESTROY everyone in UVU and its administrative process today. It took two hours for someone to tell me that although the school made a mistake, it was too late to fix it, so now I have to pay $216 lest I won't be able to register for any other classes ever. I don't know where I'm going to find that kind of money. I do think the Lord will provide (see? Positive thinking. I can keep that up.. I hope).

What a crazy, emotional day. Lou and I ate ourselves sick at Fuddruckers in an attempt to drive away the jitters and the frustration and the anger along with the hunger. It mostly worked (largely because neither of us had eaten all day and the food devoured our unrelated grumpiness). I still felt a bit blue when we got home, though, so we took some blankets out into the back yard and napped there in the weak April sun. It was hard to be moody, all curled up under a down comforter and the perfect blue sky while Ingrid Michaelson and pear blossoms drifted through the air. I fell asleep (and squooshed my food baby) for a good hour.

The main thing that I recognized today is the importance and power of a good support system. It's okay to have a few really good friends and a lot of understanding acquaintance-friends. Depth is important, but breadth is so comforting when it seems like I need to go home and rethink my life. This way, anywhere I fall I have someone who will stand beside me and help me scrape myself off the pavement.

Today kind of sucked, but there were some really good moments. My room is clean, my mind is clearer than it has been in months, and I feel like although I'm just getting started, I'll get there eventually. And I know that I have some great friends who will comfort and guide (and feed) me along the way. That's a pretty good place to start, if you ask me.


Recorded 4/22/10

No comments:

Post a Comment