How would you tell your boyfriend you’re not interested in kissing him?
Scenario 1:
He texts you at 9:30 AM on New Year’s Eve with an invitation to a friend’s party. You’ll have to drive to Salt Lake, but he can be there at 8 to pick you up. Do you:
Text him back: “I know what tonight is about, and I can’t explain it, but I’d rather hold my hand on this stove burner than put my mouth on your mouth, so thanks, but no thanks”?
Spend an hour convincing yourself you’re just nervous because you’ve never kissed anybody before, but he’s so nice, and he’s been so patient, and you might like it, so even though you’ve practically chewed a hole through your bottom lip thinking about it, you reply, “Sure”?
Curl up into a ball in your closet, the lyrics of Pasek and Paul’s “Lying There” running through your head ad nauseum for no real reason, until you’re pretty sure everybody is dead and it’s safe to crawl out and start your life of solitude?
You choose B.
Scenario 2:
It’s now 6:30 PM. You’ve written and deleted about 15 texts explaining why you don’t want to go to the party. With fingernails clawing at the inside of your skull, you finally text him: “Hey, I’m not really up to a party tonight. Wanna have dinner at my place instead?"
Your boyfriend, ever the supportive, kind, thoughtful human he is, says that’s no problem. He offers to bring cake, and you head out to get ingredients for dinner.
While at the store, do you:
Buy enough letter candles to spell out “Please don’t kiss me, but I still think you’re great!”, hoping the cake is big enough to accommodate the message and that you can distract your boyfriend long enough to get it assembled?
Go to the in-store bank branch and withdraw all of your cash, leave your car in the parking lot, get on the bus, see how far your $350 will take you, dye your hair, change your name, and steer clear of nice bearded men for the rest of forever?
Buy stuff to make fajitas, like a normal fucking person?
You eventually choose C.
Scenario 3:
You and your boyfriend dance around each other in the yellow light of your kitchen, chopping onions and sauteing peppers while your roommate looks for recordings of the Times Square ball drop. You watch the minutes slip past, your panic curling in the air like steam from your simmering chest.
11:59
Your roommate starts the video, and half of New York is screaming in your living room.
5
Your boyfriend places his hand gently in the small of your back. You keep your body pointed squarely at the TV.
4
Your stomach drops as he turns his head.
3
He leans in.
2
He whispers, “Can we step outside?” Do you:
Break down in tears, tell him that you made a mistake in asking him to date you, that you can’t be what he wants you to be, slap him for no reason, throw wine in his face, smash a bottle over his head, knee him in the groin, slap him again, and run away forever?
JUST KISS HIM ALREADY IT’S BEEN THREE MONTHS WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!?!?!
Say, “Okay,” and hold your breath as you follow him to the landing outside?
You choose C.
Scenario 4:
Fireworks flash overhead, illuminating the neighbors drinking and banging pots in the parking lot. Your boyfriend, the consummate gentleman, takes your hand and asks if he can kiss you. A dozen instances of his kindness, his sense of humor, and his compassion flash through your mind, illuminating all the reasons you should want this. You hesitate, and he squeezes your hand, a gentle encouragement. Do you:
Give in to the romance of the moment, grab his face, and plant one on him?
Spontaneously combust?
Stand motionless, swallowing hard against the inexplicable fear until you finally manage to say, “No”, and you see the confused disappointment on his face as he turns to leave, and you stay there, breathing in the sulfur air?
You choose B. The whole complex goes up in smoke, and everybody dies.
Just kidding, you choose C. You really should see someone about these avoidance issues.
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