Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Neither Here Nor There

I am in limbo. I'm living out of a linen closet and sleeping on a couch while most of my furniture, favorite books, and blankets are at my grandma's, and my hopes and aspirations are in this little basement bedroom in a 6-person house in Midtown Orem. I no longer consider myself a theatre major, though I have not yet made the transfer official. I drive down to UVU for church every Sunday, but I never make the trek for mid-week meetings and I don't really know anybody in my ward. I'm playing a game of emotional twister, my feet and hands in all directions, not really accomplishing anything.

The meantime, the bit in between, the ambiguous phase before I move out and before I really settle in-- this is a time of reconfiguration. This is the point where I gather my thoughts, evaluate my position. I see equal parts inevitability and promise stretching before me, and I'm ready to topple into the future with all of its unknowable glory. But for this moment I stand on the meridian and gather strength.

I know that this coming semester is going to be difficult. I did it on purpose. I chose to retake most of the classes I've ever failed because if I'm going to start over, to reinvent myself as a good student, what better way than my conquering those classes that defeated me in the past? (When I say defeated, I mean they contributed to the development of my anxiety disorders. I'm not being dramatic for drama's sake) In the last golden weeks of summer, I am developing habits that will help me weather this self-inflicted storm.

Eliminating theatre has been so good for me. I never realized how much of my own life I was missing out on until I took a step back and really looked at it. Tonight I went to a little party, the first solid exposure I've had for a long while to people deeply entrenched in this world. They talked so much about other people's lives and business, and I saw clearly the toll that this lifestyle takes. I think theatre will always be something I do, and I know that I'm better for my little love affair, but right now I'm so glad to be walking away from it as a way of life.

I'm also working on a permanent assignment from Ann. She seems to think that it's okay for me to like myself, even though I'm not perfect. She wants me to try.

I am trying. It's so, so hard to find things about myself that aren't despicable, but I'm gonna give this assignment my best shot.

And I'm 'running' in the mornings and trying to eat better (ignore the twelve Oreo balls I've devoured this week), but those are far less interesting topics than limbo and self-loathing.

So while I'm poised on the Great Meridian of My Short Life and soaking up the pure energy of sunlit family-filled afternoons and early morning jogs and wisdom teeth surgery and meaningful scripture study, I acknowledge that the crap's about to hit the fan in a bigbig way, and tonight I'm perfectly happy to be neither here nor there.


Recorded 8/15/11

1 comment:

  1. I'm excited for you Aubrey. Change is always a good thing. I am going back to school this fall and I am also planning on retaking many of the courses I have failed in the past. The thought of some of them takes me right to the edge of a panic attack. But I think it will be good for me. Good Luck!