Beginnings, Beginnings

I have been involved in theatre for a long time. My "career" started in 6th grade when we were all required to participate in our class's production of The Taming of the Shrew. I really wanted to be Katherine, and I was sure I had the role. Then. My friend Ashely asked me to read for the part of the widow because she didn't want to audition alone. I did, and to my horror I read better for the widow than I had for Katherine. The cast list went up after recess. I. was. the widow. And I was SO mad! I scribbled a note to my teacher that sounded something like this:

"I hate your stupid show and I refuse to participate! ... Unless you let me be Katherine! I really deserve the role of Katherine! I hate acting! I hate Shakespeare! Unless I'm Katherine, I hate Shakespeare! I won't do it! You can't make me! Signed, Anonymous."

Except it was a whole page long and written in sixth-grader, so there were a lot of spelling errors and there were definitely more exclamation points.

Even though I signed the note anonymously, my teacher knew I had written it. Maybe she recognized my handwriting. Maybe the note just sounded like me. Maybe it was the way I wouldn't stop glaring at her or throwing things at Brandi (Kate). However she figured it out, my teacher approached me and tried to calm me down. She finally told me that Brandi would have to kiss Colton, but I would not be deterred. I knew I was perfect for the part. Mrs. Stevens disagreed and I hated her for the rest of the school year.

I took my script home that night and had the whole thing memorized by the time I walked to school the next day. It was about 20 pages long, but I wanted to prove that I could do it better than Brandi. And if she happened to die at lunch in a freak accident involving a swing or the zip line, I would already have all of her lines memorized so her role would default to me. It was fool proof!

I was not a vengeful 11-year-old; I never even thought to try to kill her to move things along. The next few weeks didn't play out quite the way I imagined them. Brandi didn't get sick or break her ankle or get kicked in the head by a horse. She didn't even actually have to kiss Colton, so she couldn't die of the cooties. To my exasperation, the day of the performance came and I had to play the part of the widow. My mom did my hair in a french braid. I wore a black dress and one of my mom's huge, beshoulderpadded coats. We did the show once for the school, then once more for parents and older siblings. I remembered my one line (I still remember it: "He that is giddy thinks the world turns round."), I did the bit with the servants, and I moved a wall and a couple of chairs.

That was it. That was my first experience with theatre. It wasn't a particularly good one, from my point of view. I don't know how that one thing led me to take a drama class in 8th grade, how I managed to overcome my crippling stage fright to audition for Joseph... in 9th grade, and how I ended up as a theatre major at UVU. I don't know how it happened, but it did and I've spent the last six years of my life deeply immersed in this world. I have had so many wonderful experiences. I've had a few bad experiences. I've had a couple of really difficult experiences. But everything that I have experienced is of equal value- I gladly take the good, the bad, and the nast-acular because it all works together to make me a better actress, and more importantly, a stronger person.

I'm a little sad to be leaving it behind.

That's not entirely accurate. I -- oh, by the way. I guess this is the official announcement. I'm changing my major. I will now be studying creative writing -- am very excited to begin again, to start over, to take who I have become and to introduce her to a brand new and well loved aspect of life. I have resolved to take my studies seriously so that I can get in to a good graduate program, and I'm taking this opportunity to do the college thing right. Maybe that will mean taking an intermission, if you will, a short break from theatre friends and from the theatre lifestyle. Maybe I'll figure out a way to make time for some shows (don't worry, I'm not dropping out of The Princess and the Goblin. A girl has got to earn her living. Also, it sounds like fun).

I guess we'll just have to see.

P.S.

I will be minoring in theatre, so if I do take a break it will be quite temporary. I don't want these 5 years of work to just disappear- I want a degree, dangit! But look on the bright side, this way it won't matter that I keep forgetting about Company Call! ;)

Notes from the Lieberry

I'm making a pinata! I took some pictures of it, but I don't have a card reader with me (the internet is broken at my house AGAIN and I've taken refuge in the Orem City Library), so you'll have to wait to see the finished product. I know! The suspense is almost more than you can bear!

But what this really means is that I've taken up papier mache. Watch out, my bedroom. You're about the be utterly swamped by useless paper things that I make over the next couple weeks. And watch out, you few but loyal readers, for the bazillions of pictures of things that I am soon to create.

One more thing: I'm in love with most things Kate Nash.

One more one more thing: If you haven't seen Seussical yet, you should get yerself some tickets soon! We're reportedly already 83% sold out, which means that this is not a show to miss, but your chances of missing it are increasing at an alarming rate.

Have a wonderful rainy afternoon, everyone.

:)

A Genuinely Good Day

Okay, so I've been lectured on the dangers of owning a bathroom scale and of thinking about weight as opposed to health, but for me it is very much the same thing. I have spent the last decade of my life becoming, being, or recovering from being obese, so to me weight matters. I don't obsess over it, though, and I don't weigh myself on a regular basis. Usually, if I feel like I've had a good couple of weeks I'll step on the scale just to see how I'm doing.

This morning, for instance, I felt pretty good about life, and it seemed like it would be okay. So I checked to make sure my grandmother was occupied, then I sneaked in to her bathroom and dragged the scale away from the wall. It's avocado green with beige shag carpet on the foot pads and the numbers only go up to 250. I was struck by the realization that there was once a time this scale would have not been able to measure me. I took a deep breath, stepped up onto the shag carpet, counted to five, and looked down.




195



195. This might seem like a really high number to you, but to me it is a small victory. I haven't been below 200 pounds in probably 6 years. My battle is far from over, but little by little I'm gaining my life back. This is a step. I don't know how big or how small, but it's definitely a step forward. It feels monumental. I could erect a statue of this moment: a little scale with the giant numbers 195 and me off to the side, grinning from ear to ear.


Through all of this, these 10 years of disappointment and frustration and huge pant sizes, I've learned a few things. I've mentioned some of them before, but I think they're important to remember.

If you want to lose weight, go for it. Just make sure you do it right. Don't pump your body full of needless chemicals. Don't starve yourself. Don't think that you're broken or that you are unworthy of love or affection because you aren't a size 2 (this one is still hard for me). These things take time, patience, and a crap load of effort. Weight loss should be about changing your perception of yourself and developing a healthy relationship with your body and with food.


Think about who you are now as a person. Sarah-lucy once told me that maybe I was fat all of those years because I needed to be. I don't know if I believe her, but I know I would be totally different if I had been skinny. So while I don't relish the fact that I pretty much wasted my teenage years, I know that it led me to where I am today and I take it to be a jumping off point:

This is where I stand, that is where I want to be, this is what I'm going to do about it.


Realize that your body knows what it needs and will generally lead you in the right direction.

Discover the kind of exercise that you adore and do it often. Mine is dancing-- in musicals, via Just Dance 2, in the parking lot with Shelli -- and the eliptical/stairstepper machine at the gym.

Make friends with other people who are struggling through similar things.

Get yourself a really great therapist.

Find religion.

Remember that all of this is a part of getting to where you want to be.

Do it for yourself.

Do it because it's something different.

Do it because it's good, really, truly, powerfully good for you.



It's been hard. It's been involuntary at times. But this change has affected more than my appearance. I feel great. I haven't felt great in a long time. I mean, I've got my issues, but I'm taking great strides toward not hating myself. And that's huge. That's bigger than any number.