My Kindness Shall Not Depart From Thee

Things aren't perfect. I haven't suddenly realized that when I thought I was wrong, I was wrong. I still feel lost and unsure and like I need to make some decisions again, come into my own again. But I have felt God's love for me today. I have heard the Spirit's sweetest, most precious assurances that I have not been forgotten, that the Lord loves me because I am His, that He will continue to love me and to care for me wherever my life takes me. I don't feel empowered as I once did. But I feel loved, and it is enough. I know that I have an incomprehensible, difficult journey ahead of me. But today, at least, I know the Lord will never leave me to suffer alone.

Maybe it's time to grow up. Maybe I need to start letting go of my childish fears and longings. Maybe I'm starting down a path that will change me, make me stronger and better and older. Maybe this week the Lord let me feel so utterly alone so I would remember that I don't have to be lonely anymore.

This illness, these disorders, or whatever it is- it's something I've been hiding behind. I've been using it to rationalize my behavior to myself. I can't accept that anymore. I have to come to terms with my mind and my thought process, with my particular line of reasoning. This low that I'm experiencing will not be the last. I have to learn to live within the realms of my emotional capacity. I do not, however, have to let these moments (hiccups, stumbles, temporary regression) define me. The Lord has given me this life. It is a precious, brief gift. I can't waste it in misery. The atonement makes my happiness possible. I pray that I may find joy in these brief, shining moments. I pray that I may remember the warmth of His eternal embrace and perfect love.

So what am I going to do about it? I feel like the answer to that question is the answer to all of my problems. It's there, lurking somewhere beneath the surface of my hopes and dreams, and if I can persuade it to show itself, I'll know how to make this sorrow mean something more, become something better.

"The son of God hath descended below all things. Art thou greater than He?"

Borne on the air by a choir angelic
Your words fly to me and adhere to my failing heart

And in that moment, I'm in thy loving arms
Filled so completely
With
What it is to be
A child of God.

~~~

Recorded 6/27/10