Ugly Days

I was home alone this evening and since I can't plop myself down in front of the TV like I usually do, I plopped myself down in front of My Big Fat Greek Wedding. I was feeling lonely, you see, and I thought that watching a movie about somebody else who is lonely would make me feel better. I forgot that Tula actually finds a man pretty early on and they get married. The movie didn't really help me to not be lonely.

I am trying really hard to convince myself that I'm worth it, that somebody is going to fall head over heels in love with me and won't be able to sleep for thinking about me. It's really hard to imagine, as I sit here with my greasy hair and an unwashed face in smelly clothes while foaming at the mouth with Crest Whitening Rinse, that anybody will ever find me attractive, much less attractive enough to spend the rest of eternity with.

But even on these ugly days when I can't see past my jiggling thighs, I am trying to discover things about myself that are lovable. I am not the prettiest, the smartest, the skinniest, or the most spiritual person around, but I love life even when it's a montage of empty Lean Cuisine boxes and late night Project Runway marathons. I'm willing to give myself time and to figure all this out.

I don't know whether I'm worth marrying, but I know I'm worth that much.

~~~

Recorded 6/23/11

Grammy Pants at AllCapsO'Clock

I had a really long day today.

I left for school some time around 8:15 AM and I got home not twenty minutes ago (roughly 10:15 PM). So I was a little overwhelmed by the mess in my room. I wanted to pass out, but I would have had to wade through a pile of laundry and some suitcases and books and art supplies and things and I would much rather avoid the stress and chill on the computer until I can't sit up anymore, at which point I will stumble blindly into my room and fall into bed without changing my clothes.

It's not like I haven't cleaned my room in a really long time. Actually, I dejunked it earlier this week. The only reason I can't keep my room clean is my never ending stream of laundry. While I'm cleaning my room I invariably do at least one load of laundry, which never finishes in the dryer until I'm done with everything else. But by then I'm burnt out or otherwise engaged and can't be bothered with it, so it ends up in a pile on my bed, and eventually (invariably) in a pile on the floor.

All this is to say I never ate dinner, and now it's too late to eat anything because I want to go to bed very soon, and I don't believe in sleeping on a full stomach. And it's almost AllCapsO'Clock, the point at which I can only converse IN ALL CAPS because everything I have to say seems very important. Hey- count yourself lucky that THIS WHOLE POST WASN'T CAPITALIZED.

So I'm going to deny a couple of Facebook friend requests in an attempt to quash my needless anxiety, excavate a path to my bed, and fall asleep to Treasure Planet for the second night in a row.

In case you were wondering about the cleanliness of my room and whether I freak out when somebody I don't know or like wants to be my friend on the Facebook.

Case closed.

P.S.
Happy birthday, Munch! I'm glad you've been alive for one whole year. Here's to many more!